![]() I would not have chosen that time as a route to happiness, but I can't regret what we both learned about living with one another as a result.ĭespite your attempts to convince yourself that all is well between the two of you now, the harm caused by your wife's affair has not yet been repaired. When I was in a similar position, I realised that we were both responsible for the past, and that the future of our marriage was a joint project too. Of course you were shocked and devastated - so was I when a similar thing happened to me - but beware of taking the moral high ground. You have to put this behind you if you want your marriage to have a future. Wrench your mind away from the images that are haunting you and show your wife you trust her by staying away from her mobile phone. If you really love her, then let what has happened go, and focus on the good things you have still got together. Blame and guilt are very destructive in a relationship, and if you cling on to this resentment, you risk losing her. Try looking at yourself and your own attitudes, feelings and actions, rather than just at your wife's infidelity. What is lost is the past as one thought it was, but at least we still have the future. Although I try not to refer to the affair, not a day goes by when I don't feel a sense of grief and hurt well up inside me it really is like a bereavement. I have tried to think of what he did in terms of human weakness and have reflected on the fact that none of us is perfect. However, he has moved on and forgiven himself, whereas the question of me forgiving him never really occurred to me since I imagined that it must somehow have been partly my fault that he had strayed. He saw the effect it had on me and realised that our marriage nearly ended as a result of it. He and I have a better life together now because he was shocked at what he learned about himself as a result of being unfaithful. My partner had an affair that lasted several years, and I discovered it was happening quite by chance. I feel for you because this happened to me some years ago. Try to see your wife's infidelity as a wake-up call - harness its power to teach you both a great deal about your marriage and to strengthen your relationship. When your mind is occupied with images of the affair, distract yourself with more positive thoughts. It prevents us from moving on from the grief and pain, and stops us from thinking objectively about how to solve our problems. Obsession is destructive and stultifying. There are many advantages to being in a good marriage, but both partners are still individuals, whose emotional needs are not always fulfilled, especially when they are unable to communicate with one another. Ten months is not that long - give yourselves more time to save your marriage. Thankfully, my wife has recovered from her depression and our marriage is better than ever. Time does heal, and I can genuinely say that the wounds have pretty much gone. We both had some counselling to help us focus on what we both wanted. It was probably only our Christian faith and the children that kept us together at that stage. Regrettably, I had a "revenge" fling, which led to my wife becoming depressed. The next three years were difficult though, and I frequently alluded to the impact her actions had had on me. It was important for us both to make a commitment to our future together to get past what had happened. She was repentant - as your wife seems to be - and she did her best to work at our marriage. ![]() Despite the anger and distress I felt when I found out that my wife had been unfaithful, I decided that I still loved her. I went through a similar experience about 10 years ago and I believe that there is no quick fix to your situation - it is inevitably painful to recover from such a betrayal. ![]() ![]() ![]() I still love her deeply, and have no real fears for the future, but I am tormented by the past. She hates me bringing up the subject because it fills her with "self-loathing", but 10 months on, her infidelity still occupies my mind. Yet I am still haunted daily by the image of her with another man, and by memories of the happy family holiday we had around that time, which now feels tainted by what she disingenuously describes as a "horrible" secret. We told hardly anyone, our sex life is better than ever, and it does not feel as if we need counselling. ![]()
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